Hi readers,
As you can tell (or maybe you didn't notice at all, eh) I took some time away from this blog to gather some thoughts and come back fresh. In the two weeks I was gone, life has seemed like Hell. The stuff that any normal person would love, I've loathed. Being around people, showering, eating hot wings with beer . I'm here to talk about my grief, I hope it may help you.
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But before all that, I went to Wendy's and ordered a chicken sandwich. I forgot to ask for no mayonnaise. So there I was, driving 80 mph down I-35, scraping a big nasty blob of mayo off the bun with a napkin. Worst.
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The entirety of my life, I've really never felt a stability of friendship. I've had people around, but was never close to them. I feel like my social life the last few years could be described as parasitic. When I started dating my last girlfriend, all I did was hang around her friends. Not really fitting in, just hanging around. I was that guy. I thought I had made friends with them, but once we broke up, it was over. I got really upset and suicidal and went through the darkest year of my life, which I'll gladly tell any of you about, if you'd like. I make it through that and start fresh. I start hanging out with friends that my roommate's made, and now I'm right back where I started. Feeling, for the most part, friendless. Thoughts roam free:
"You don't know how to make friends"
"You're too distant for anyone to like you"
"You're a fake."
These things circulate in most social situations. And even right now, as I lay here inappropriately dressed for bed (don't get the wrong idea, it's a button up polo and boxers, not the most comfortable). And there's truth to every single one of them. So I've felt increasingly friendless the last few weeks.
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My room is so messy. I don't even know how I live in here. Instead of packing my things when I leave, I'm considering starting a controlled fire in here to torch all my crap.
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I'm spineless. Especially to myself. I find all to often that when people ask me how I'm feeling, I say "OK", and not two minutes afterwards, feel completely the opposite. I can't tell myself how I'm feeling, much less other people.
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My dating life has basically been nothing but painful the last two years. My last girlfriend and I broke up about a year and a half ago. That sucked. But since then, my dating life has consisted of being hit on at the bar, having girls throw themselves at me, making out with a few randos (I was attempting to anesthetize my pain, didn't work), liking girls who don't like me back, and meeting girls who do like me back, but can't date me. Fruitful. I've told myself a time or two that I'm done. That I'm just going to be a dick to girls and do what I can to drive them out of my life. But I know it won't happen. I HATE how damn sensitive I am. Hate it. I have a soft heart, though I often times don't want to.
I'm in pain. But I'm not going to God with it, because once again, He's doing it to me. I feel like he punched me right in the gut, I got away, and then expects me to come back and tell him I'm sorry. I want some time away. Though inevitably, I'll come "running back to Daddy", I'm prideful and hard-hearted right now.
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I recently took a step of faith, and came clean about some lies I was telling my friends. It hurt some people, and broke trust with one of them. Honest to God, I wish I had never sent it. I'd rather live in a lie than lose what I did. And that may sound bad, but more than anything I wish it would show that that person means a Hell of a lot to me.
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I don't know what I need. I know all the things I want. And I get to a place where a majority of my wants become needs. That's a bad place to be. I suppose I just need to want less. That sounds dumb.
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I have to start getting ready for work at eleven. I want to nap before then. But that's unhealthy. I guess it's breakfast time.
Thanks.
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