"The Old Christian Try"

It's been a long, long time since you've heard from me.

Dear reader, I'm sorry I haven't kept you up to date. I could say I've been busy, but I've just been a little bit lazy, I suppose.

Well, I'm back, for what it's worth. Here's some blog.
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     Fall is in full swing. Leaves are changed. Trees is gettin bare. Football is what people are in to. I've been wearing sweaters and flannels. Drinking more coffee. Cooking with the crock pot. Capping a night off with a pipe and a good book. All of the little things that make this time of the year the best for me. I know I've touched on this in one of my last blogs, but I can't overstate how much I love this season. It's the season of Jon.  More blog ahead.
--
     I've now been in a leadership role with CRU for a semester. In that time, I've been blessed with a great group of guys, who, despite my incoherent babble about Jesus and my outlandish views about life, come every week with the desire to tell their friends and roommates about their faith. It's made me realize just what faith means. The cliche Bible verse that people will use is Hebrews 11:1,

"Now, faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see"

 

     This does tell us what faith means, right? Faith is all about us? And how we have to believe what we can't see and be sure that our hopes are going to happen? I'm here to say, incorrect.

 

That verse can only be true, because there is another faith. There's another who is faithful. That "other", is God. If God wasn't faithful, I wouldn't be either. It's God who's seen me at my worst, and knows that I have a "best". It's God's faith that allows me to see him in everything I do. That I can see his Spirit moving on campus and in the lives of my guys. That I can see him weaved into a Gangster Rap CD or a film about hatred, lust, deceit and murder. God's unchanging and unshatterable faith is the reason I am where I am. When I get down about my failings, about the lies I've told, the self-mutilation I've done to my soul, and the pain I've caused in the lives of those I love, it's HIS faith I remember. That I have an intimate relationship with the Creator. While some speculate on his existence, I get to bask in his supremacy. A Christian (or anyone else) can have all the faith they want. They can recite Hebrews 11:1 until they're blue in the face. It doesn't matter. Without the acknowledgment that it is God who has the pertinent faith, it's all for naught. That it's his faith in himself that holds this whole mess of a life together. That he desires to see good and hates sin, death, and pain. That's the faith we need to recognize. We need to recognize that we will always pale in comparison to him. That's how it must be. That's what I've been reminded of.

--

     Iowa State University is done with me. And vice versa. I went to my last classes. I turned in my last projects. It's finished. The question that remains is "What's next?". Well. I'm going to attempt to intern with Campus Crusade next year. Which means I'll need support money. I'll be asking people to partner with me so that God may move swiftly through Iowa State, the state of Iowa, and the world. I'm not completeling Horticulture, but am in fact "settling" with a "lesser" degree that I might live more missionally. I believe God has called me out of going through more schooling so that I would be more proactive about the Gospel. While some may think this is foolish because I won't be able to earn as much money, I have faith that it is the best option for me. So long, school. You were a long, tumutuous journey. Through you, I've made my best friends. I've had my best memories. You've allowed me to expand my faith. You're a time that I can't forget.

--

     If anyone's known me for more than a year, they probably know how I feel about Christian media. Christian music and movies, mostly. If you're reading this, and you don't know how I feel, then you're in for a treat. Surprise, everyone, I'm not a huge fan of it all. And it's not just because the quality of most Christian media outlets are bad. It's not just because the overall product is hard on my eyes, and ears. The main reason that I have disdain for Christian media is that I believe that God is somewhat displeased with it. The main reason I think God is displeased with Christian movies and music is that it often times paints a misconception. If the only way you ever heard about God was through Christian music and movies, what perception would you have? I believe wholeheartedly that you would see God as shallow. And this is why I think people view Christians in the same light. Because the movies we support and music we deem "inspired" are typically crap. There are hundreds of Christian songs that I find devoid of any reality. Many Christian artists write songs that reflect themselves more than the heart of the Most-High. And films are no better. Dozens of Christian films and television programs, whose only goal is to make the veiwer feel "warm and fuzzy". I don't believe for a moment that that's where God dwells. And while I could be cynical and just rag on my brothers and sisters for how they're expressing themselves, I think that I will instead address my interpretation of the heart of this matter.

 

     In America, I believe Christianity has developed an attitude of trying. We value trying. Trying to tell your friends about Jesus. Trying not to sin. Trying to earn enough money for your family to have a comfortable living. Trying to be seen as "different". I think we need to be done trying. I feel like "trying" is a good way to say "feel better about not doing". I think we've developed the try because we feel bad when we fail. We see failure as a bad thing, always. I don't. I think when I fail, it's only an opportunity for me to see God's grace move through the situation. And at the heart of it, I believe the Christian media is afraid to fail, because failure in this world means ridicule. We fear people will make fun of us, and our God if we produce a product that doesn't seem "right". The irony is that non-Christians see our product as crap anyway. There are very few Christian medias that honestly reach out to non-believers and again, ironically, they're the ones that typical Christians dislike (Christian Metalcore music, for one).  If our heart really was to produce music and movies that related to people where they were and to desire them to see the God of the universe, then I doubt we'd be making low production films about football teams who pull off a win in the end, or hollow music that goes more to showing off our talents than showing the inumerable blessings of our savior. If we can take the focus off of creating a Christian bubble, and instead spreading our views and values to the world through genuine, transparently love-filled media that also looks and sounds good, then maybe we'd begin to see the changes that the Church has expected for so long. Creating expressions of love that do more to push non-believers away may not be the aproach we should stick with. I'm done ranting. I'm still praying.

--

 

Moving Pictures and the Things They Say: My first ever post about movies! Yeah! Well, since this is just the introductory to the section, I'm not going to go into much detail (also, this has been a windy blog and has wasted enough of your time, I'm sure). I saw Pulp Fiction in a theater last night. It's one of my all-time favorites. In the Top 3 for sure. People who haven't seen it often ask me

 

"What's it about?"

to which I can only really say

 

"Well, it's about several peoples' worst days of their lives,

and how redemption is found in a few of them."

 

     I'm not going to give any of the plot away. Go in fresh. The film is raw. There's a lot of swearing. A lot of lurid subject matter. Some disturbing imagery. But it's easily one of the best things I've ever seen. And whether you're a believer or not, redemption is found on so many levels. The storytelling is sublime and the cinematography shows the true heart of the film. I will give one warning, however. If you hate it the first time you watch it, watch it again. If you still hate it, then you'll never love it. It's just that way. Good luck.

--

 

     I've blogged too much today. It's time for some studying. Thanks for reading. I love you. I'm sorry if I offended you at all. I wish I could be more attentive to you readers, and hopefully with the extra time I may have next semester, I'll be able to do just that. 



The Perfect Girl Pt. II, The Return of the Realist

Well hey.

It's late.

Super late, in my opinion. It felt late 3 hours ago when I went to bed, exhausted from my day. But that didn't stop me from waking up 2 hours later, and feeling wide awake. So I'm drinking some water. And eating an ice cream bar; screen door wide open to let the cool air in. Listening to the "ticky-tack" of the trains as they pass. Hoping to pass out on this couch sooner than later. Here's where I am, blog-wise.
--
     My last blog was a huge success. In less than two weeks, it received more views than my oldest blogs have in 5 months. My guess is, that its title had a lot to do with it. "The Perfect Girl", was a hit. With mostly girls, I'm guessing? I'm by no means suggesting that these girls were interested, in fact I know most were not. But the title expressed something romantic, and I just go to assume that if the tie goes to the runner (baseball rule), then the romance goes to the women. And while several people praised me for the blog, calling it things like "brave" and "sweet", I've come to realize a few truths about it, and how it relates to me.

     I'm not here to say that the things I wrote about were untrue, or that they "weren't me". What I am going to do is explain myself a little better, without the "lovey-dovey" perspective I had before. If my feelings are to be genuine, then I have to let "The Realist" out. He's someone that is almost always at the forefront of my life. Anyone who has talked to me for any decent amount of time would should know that. He goes by a few other names, "The Cynic", "The Pessimist", and my favorite, "The Disillusioned Optimist". I'm turning him loose. Here ya go, buddy. It's all yours.
--
     Thanks Jonny, old friend. Well everyone, let me first say that I really kind of hated that last blog. The whole "putting myself out there" thing really isn't my style. I prefer to just kind of be there. Exist and float around. So that last blog, what with its talk of pursuing girls, and marriage, and taking definitive steps to be a husband and a missionary, well, it just wasn't me. I've come to learn that the more people know about you, the more accountable to are to them. But ol' Jon, with his big heart and cockeyed optimism decided to throw that stuff up, and you probably read it. Jon doesn't always think things through the best, and what he was feeling just kind of overflowed into his blog. I'm usually there to get things back to normal, but I was out getting my dry-cleaning. Sorry everyone. Here's what I'm thinking you should add to what you've read about Jon's "perfect girl"...

     First off, Jon just might have made it seem like he was casting a pretty big net on the whole dating scene. He used a phrase that went something like "every daugher of God is beautiful in her own way", or something like that. And while even I believe that's true, I think there needs to be some clarification as to what he meant. Jon wasn't saying that he finds every Christian girl as a suitable partner. He doesn't find them all attractive. But what he does is see value in every Christian woman, as a daughter of the most-high God, which is a credit to God firstly, and then women. To break it to you as easy as I can, most girls just don't make Jon tick. And Christian girls are no exception. So as much as  I don't want this to be a "tell every girl that Jon's a total jerk and you should stay away from him", I want to give you a peek into what exactly it is that he values. Again, this isn't going to be easy for me. You're welcome.

     As of late, Jon's come to fall in love with brokenness. He's seen a fair share of it in his own life, and the life of his friends and family. While many of you are thinking "what the H could someone love about brokenness?", understand that Jon sees it as opportunity. Behind all brokenness is a chance for improvement. Heck, if Jon hadn't moved forward from his brokenness, he'd have put a bullet through his head a few years ago, and I wouldn't be here to entertain you as I am, though I digress. Jon has seen, in the last few months, that Christian women who've been broken at some point in their lives, and aren't ashamed nor try to hide it, are the most real and desireable women in the world. Because they've learned to rely fully on God. Jon believes that while things are going "well" that people are less inclined to seek God. It's through trial and pain that leads a person to the mercy seat of God's throne, that it's humility that casts one's burdens on Christ's sacrice, and it's anguish that allows the Spirit to heal. THAT'S where his heart is. THAT'S what he finds alluring. Women who have been through stuff, and can still stand and say "It is well with my soul", that's Jon right there, and that's not going away.

     I think we can all mostly agree, though I disagree more than most, that Jon is a funny guy. He seems to have a decent grasp on where humor comes from, he can do some impressions, and yeah, he's pushed the envelop a few times and has offended people when he wanted to (those days are, for the most part, over), but all-around, he's got a humorous wit. He values that in women. Girls who are witty and dry. Now this is, as Jon realizes, a nitpick, and it by no means necessary. But he likes it. I won't sugar coat that, as he might be inclined to do. Jon wants a girl he can make smile and laugh, and wants the same in return. Moving on.
--
    You're ruining me. Realist, you're ruining me. I'll be single forever, because you're making me out to be some weirdo. I might as well start buying cats.
--
    That's where you've got it wrong, buddy. I'm helping you. Helping, as I would be inclined to say, clear some of the riff raff. Jon, the last thing you need are more Christian friends that are girls. You've got enough. Moving from the friendzone is difficult, and it's just easier if that doesn't happen to you. Lookin' out for ya, big guy. Hold it together. I'm just going to include a list of likes and dislikes for the rest. Hope it helps.

Likes: dark humor, rap music, sweaters, Fyodor Dostoevsky, the New York Jets, Kanye West, making crock pot food, hookah, Queen, Wendy's, melancholy music, Oklahoma City Thunder, pipe smoking, Jesus, Ray-Bans, coffee.

Dislikes: Max Lucado, most country music, The New York Giants, soup, super happy upbeat music, The Miami Heat, judgmental Christians, and most of all, MAYONNAISE.

     I'm going to leave with that. That's part of the real Jon that you need to know, whether prospective or not. That's Jon. Okay, I think I've done enough damage. Back to you, old bean.
--
     ...Ugh.

     Sorry about him. He can be a real jerk. Well. I hope there are still people out there reading. And willing to be my friend. And I hope that cleared some stuff up. I feel better now. Whew. Sometimes letting that old jerk out is what's best.
--
     I heard that.
--
    Sorry. I love you, man. You make me, me. Well everyone, it's 3:32 in the morning. It's time for sleep. Thanks for hanging in there with me people.

The Perfect Girl

Friends and better friends,

     This blog probably isn't going to have the cheeky feel it usually does, simply because, I don't want it to. There are going to be a lot of feelings in this one, cheery and otherwise. Here's my heart.
--
     I'm 24. Which is kind of old. I remember Desert Storm (a few of you may need to Wikipedia what that is). I was in seventh grade when the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. I voted in 2008. I'm less than a year from being out of the first Selective Service class. I graduated in high school '06.

 

For all intents and purposes, I'm old.

 

     I noticed that I never felt old when I was 21. Or 22 for that matter. So what's changed in the last two years that's made me feel so ancient and out of touch with the "youngins"? The answer is pretty simple. I'm stuck. Because of the decisions I've made in the last six years, I've set myself somewhere between my graduating class and the high school class of 2010. A good chunk of my "peers", these days are people who have never voted for a president. People who can barely remember the '90s and ALWAYS find it strange that I'm a man who's near his mid-20's.

 

Which makes me feel old.

 

     However, I've come to realize why I wouldn't have felt this old two years ago. Back then, I was with a girl. I was with a girl whom I was convinced that I was marrying. Well, we're not together, and haven't been for over two years. Since then, I've felt older every day. Not that it has anything to do with my feelings towards her, in fact I think it's awesome that we're not dating, because we were not good for each other. But realistically, I wasted three and a half years being someone I wasn't and pursuing someone I didn't really want. And I'm reminded of that often. So I feel like a man who's only 21. But the reality of 24 never leaves. I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

--

     Recently I've made a decision. A decision that I feel I've made a few times before. The difference between making it now and making it back then is that I once made it before out of lonliness, pain, and escape. I didn't see much worth in me, and now I do. So I'm making this decision now, in light of the man I amd and slowly becoming. And it pains me to declare this. But, ladies (mostly) and gentlemen, I'm going to start dating again.

 

     You might be asking yourself "what the heck does that even mean?" or "why is he telling us that?" or "what's that guy's phone number? Because I wouldn't mind gettin to know him." Well, I have an answer for all of those. Firstly, it means that I'm pursuing women again in a relational way. I havent done that in a while. If you're a girl that's talked to me in the last 6 months, then I probably had little to no interest in you or if I did I simply denied it. I decided for a while that "women = pain". That's far from true, as long as I have a little wisdom. So I'm now looking. But as you could guess, I'm not just looking for any person to be with (as no one else really is either), I'm looking for the perfect girl (the title makes sense now, eh?).

 

"Um. Jon?"

Yeah?

"...well what does that mean!?!?"

"The perfect girl?"

Well, yeah.

Perfect.

She's gotta be.

"No woman is perfect!"

Mine will be.

 

The girl I marry will be perfect. For me. I have absolutely no doubt about that. Which means she'll likely be the person who hurts and infuriates me more than anyone ever has. She'll bug me more than anyone and she'll be the person that I'll have to work to love the most.

 

And she'll be worth it.

 

The woman that I marry (if I ever do get married) will be my biggest Earthly priority. I will love God above all others, and then my wife second.

 

"Jon, what the heck do you mean by perfect?

You need to explain."

Gladly.

 

The perfect woman, to me, is someone who loves God first. I mean that. If I'm first, I'm not anything. So she has to be pursuing what God has for her, but here's the deal, I have an idea about what I'm going to be doing for a while, and if she's not okay with that, then it's not going to work. I'm going to be absolutely unwaivering in seeking out the plans I beleive God has for me. For right now that probably means being in a different country doing mission work for a while. It could be a few years, or maybe 20. It really just depends. If you're a girl and reading this and were with me up until this point but TWENTY YEARS in a different country turns you off, then that's awesome. I have no doubt God has beautiful plans for you. However, if missions excite you, or you're at least okay with going, then I hope we could talk about that someday.

 

So. There ya go.

 

     The perfect girl just has to love God, and be okay with going somewhere. That's it. That's as picky as I'm really going to be. However, I still believe that God created chemistry for a reason. There does need to be an attraction, but not in such a way that we feel shallow. There are MANY men and women who initially were not attracted to the person they married, and it worked in the best way. I find every daughter of the Most-High God beautiful, in her own way. It really just comes down to how complementary I am to her, and vice versa.

 

     I'll make one more point, and then move on. As I am old, and getting older every day, I feel that it would be best if I found this girl soon. I want to take a page from my friend Michael Patterson (who set a goal like this last year), and say that my goal is to have met and tried pursuing this girl within six months of right now. Ugh. Heavy goals. Movement.

--

"...you vaguely described your perfect woman, 

and have a goal to meet her? What does that entail?"

 

Hey, thanks for asking that.  Well, while I'm not going to devote lots of time to finding her, what I am going to do is try to get to know some of the wonderful ladies in my life. So I may ask a few out for coffee or something. And if I find one that I think is worth pursuing, I definitely will. We'll see where it goes from there.

"...okay then."

Is everything okay?

"yeah, I'm fine, I guess I just don't get why

you decided to tell us all this.."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The why. Well, I guess there's

no real good reason for putting all this out there, except I

think some people might want to know that I'm taking steps

to put myself out there again. I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't have told you?

Hmm. No I'm glad. Who knows what could happen from this, right?

 

"you're a confusing man, Jon Dziurawiec"

Sorry.

--

     Well, to everyone, I'm sorry this blog exists. It's scattered. It's a bit awkward. It's not fun. But it's real. And it's here.

 

I'm going to say "goodbye" now, before anyone else gets turned off to my blog entirely.

 

Goodbye.

 

P.S. to my perfect girl, if you're real, I'll be seein ya around ;)

 

 

See ya, everyone.

 

 

...

...

...

"...Goodbye, Jon?"

Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot to comment on the third question.

If you want my digits, let me know, I'll get them to you.

Goodbye made up voice that comments on my blog.

I hope I hear from you again sometime.

"Whatever, weirdo. Bye."

     

I Asked for Sweaters.

Yello! Yellooooo.

Yep.

Well enough of that. How are you today? Since you really can't answer me, I'll just assume you're well.
--
     Fall finally feels like it's here. That's going to be a primary motif today. Here's how I Fall in love.
--
I woke up to some BEAUTIFUL rain this a.m. Cold rain. Hard rain. It was lovely. The best early wake up I've had in five years. Errghh.

     I was able to wear jeans today. What a joy. And an Eddie Bauer button up thingy. It was all wonderful. Fall is my favorite time. It's the retirement period of the life of a year. It's when you're able to reflect on what happened and find freedom in the weather. There are a lot of great things about Autumn, but you know what I'd have to say my favorite part is?

Sweaters and flannels.

I love sweaters.

All of my real friends would know that.

Heck, thinking back, I realized that last year I asked my parents for like four or five sweaters for Christmas.

FOUR of FIVE SWEATERS for CHRISTMAS.

 

     Just think about that for a moment. Do you understand what's happened? Because I do, and it's slightly depressing.

I'm old for being 24. I'm really old.

 

I'm 2/7 on my way to death (estimated) and I'm already asking for sweaters. I'm not sure which direction I can really go from here. Maybe some Aqua Velva and a fedora. A cane. Bright blue denims from a farm supply store and some white shoes? Someone please help me, before it's too late. But until then, I'll be showing off my lovely sweater collection via blog. I'm sure each and every one of you will be just as ecstatic as I am for all sweaters you'll see. I'm happy for you. 

--

     Fall ushers in football season. Two years ago, I could not have cared less. Football was nothing to me. Heck, as of October 2010, the last football game I'd been to was my high school making it to the state championship in 2008. And I wasn't in high school then. I'd never been to a Cyclones game, and I had no intention of liking the NFL. And then something changed.

 

     I went to my first Cyclones game in November of 2010. If there are any Big 12 fans out there, you'll either fondly or begrudgingly remember this game. We played the Huskers. We almost won. An uncompleted pass in the endzone lost us a game that we could've tied up with a PAT. But we went for a two-point conversion. The Cyclones may have lost, but I didn't. Going to the game, and being in the atmosphere really ignited a love for football. So I decided to start watching some NFL for diversity's sake (I wasn't going to pick another college team, the Cyclones were my everything). I stumbled across a team that I started to like a lot, for no particular reason, and I haven't stopped apologizing since.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a New York Jets fan.

 

     I'm not sure what it was at first that attracted me to the Jets. I think it's like falling in love. Sometimes you just know. The best bet I can come up with at this point is that I wanted to find a team, they had exposure at the time, they were doing OK, AND they had knocked the Patriots out of the playoffs (my sister's a Patriots fan, so there was some desire to make her mad, sorry sis). Whatever the reason was, I got drawn in. So I want to apologize to many of you who think that I'll be free on Sundays starting now. I won't. With the added Fantasy League I'm in this year, there will be very little but football on the weekends for me this year. It is what it is.

--

MAJOR BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT

 

The last few weeks have left me with a bit of a tug on my heart. I came to the realization that I don't know enough about films. Sure, I've seen my fair share. But I haven't really watched a lot of film.

With that in mind, I have this to say.

You ready?

I'm adding a film section to the blog.

BOOM!

HUGE NEWS!

KAZAANG!

IMPORTANT!

...

 

 

...Sorry

I was too excited for that.

The new section is called Moving Pictures & the Things They Say. I'll be showcasing different movies from different genres, incuding my all time favorites. Probably starting with some films from my all time favorite director, Mr. Stanley Kubrik.

 



 

  I hope you find it enjoyable.

--

 

     Hey now, I think that's about enough blog for you, reader. Get back to your life. Lord knows I need to get back to mine. Thanks for being with me. 







Breakfast Thoughts

Good mafternoon everyone (morning + afternoon, I didn't wake up until eleven)

     It's labor day. Which, for a long time I though was just an extension of mother's day.

"Oh, not only are you mothers, but that means that that you had to go through labor too, so here's a day off for EVERYONE!"

 

 

...Those were my thoughts. I was dumb.

 

     But with the well deserved day off from all the hard work I do, I thought I'd do what I could to bless your day, via blogpost. Lesdoit.

--

     I started off my day unusually. Which means I ate a decent breakfast. I purchased my first French press a few days ago, and have absolutely been loving it. It makes some of the best coffee I've had at home, and if I had a milk frother and some flavor syrups, I'd be dang close to having my own coffee shop. But I digress. Here's what I'm eating. It's not super impressive looking, though that's partially due to my photography skills.

 

So I'm sitting here, enjoying my mountain of bacon and strong, dark coffee. Thoughts abound. Here are a few.

--

    Hipsterisms continued: A Commentary on Hipster-Jon

          In the last few days, I've begun to notice a pattern in my life, that again is moving towards what some may consider "hipster". Not only do I now drink coffee from a French press (it takes longer, is more labor intensive, and is seen as elitist by some AKA hipsterish), but I'm now planning on biking everywhere I can (not every bike rider is a hipster, but every hipster rides a bike), and I just purchased a pretty expensive Timbuk2 messenger bag for my bike trips. Here's a pic of my new baby. 

   Now so far this is the best bag I've ever owned, by far. It's comfortable, super convenient, and has a polyurethane liner so it's waterproof. But the culture around these bags is VERY hipster. They're made in San Francisco, and came with recylcing instructions for all of it's packaging, even a plastic map of San Francisco that's given to all customers, with the intent that if you don't use the map, that it makes a great bike seat cover and that it otherwise should be recycled.

 

     So yeah, that's the culture I'm beginning to get into. Inadvertent Hipster-Jon is being born.

--

     Through It All: Folks, it's been a while since I've posted in this section. There's a lot to say to catch up on, but my main focus is this: there's an indirect variation between physical strength, and the spiritual.

    

     The last two, going on three weeks have been exhausting. Attending (almost) 16 hours of class a week, working 20+ hours and spending 15-20 hours a week on campus working with CRU (I'll dedicate a chunk of a blog to describing what I do with them) and then doing homework and trying to have friends, well I've really had no life at all. I come home drained, usually after 16+ hour days, to a lot more going on.

    

     Recently, God's thrown me into a position of counseling. Several of my friends have been going through some tough things, and I've been able to be there for them. I've realized that all the stuff I've been through has made me a pretty understanding guy, and really someone who's not able to be all that surprised at what I hear. It took me up until now to realized that THAT'S what God had for me all this time. That not only would I come back to him and find peace, but that my experiences and mistakes would be used to help my friends. Along with the campus ministry that I've been doing, I've never felt more spiritually rewarded than now. God's bringing me up to a level I never thought I'd be, and it's tought me a lesson that I'd like to encourage you with.

 

     Don't settle on where you are with God.

 

For almost two decades I was content with where I was, only to come through some trials and realize that I wasn't where I thought I was. I was much further away. I never realized what it meant to be sustained and to literally feel the presence of the most-high God. But it took a lot for me to get there. More than I'd wish on anyone. And maybe you're one of those people who know who you're supposed to be with God, but your running. Let me tell you a little story.

 

     There's an 18 year old freshmen kid named Colton in my Bible study. At first glance he is just one of the happiest, most understanding, and most welcoming people I've met. I've only ever seen him with a smile on his face and a cheerful word. This week at Bible study I asked the students if there was a time when they weren't living up to who they should be. Colton responded, with a smile on his face. I paraphrase.

 

"Well, my parents got a divorce a few months ago. That was hard for me. Two months ago, my dad died. That's when I started drinking. I partied because I didn't want to feel the pain that I had going on in my life. A friend of mine drug me to a weekend Bible conference and the Spirit got to me. He reminded me, no wait he told me for the FIRST TIME who I really was. So I guess I'd say that no matter how much you want to run, that if He wants you, God will catch you..."

 

     I was absolutely stunned.

 

 

This guy has been through more pain than I may ever go through. And it was fresh pain. And he smiled the whole way through it. And ended with, God will catch you. That took me 23 years to figure out. All I can say is that God definitely has a plan for that kid, and he has one for you.

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    The rain today makes me want to do nothing but sit on my balcony and puff my pipe. These are the days I long for. Days that are so blatantly romantic that you don't even have to really look for things to be in love with them for. Mmmm...

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    Well, this blog went a little long. Sorry if it was winded at points. It's definitely not breakfast anymore. I'm heading to a gathering of some friends in a bit for hookah and friend time. And my computer battery is dying now. Well, it's off to the showers for me. Until next time friends. Do what you do and know I love you.

 



 



 

 



Living in Media. Relating Reality.

Welcome back everyone, to my newest blog.

     Now that I've had time to get my thoughts together and realize just how much I've missed this blog, I'm doing everything I can to make this the best one I've done recently. For you. You see, I like you a lot. You're honestly one of my favorite people, because you've taken it upon yourself to be in my head. You've taken steps that the majority of people never will, and I apprecaite that. And since you came here to see what I've been doing, that you shall see. Go.
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     For all of you that don't know, I'm back in school. Yes. Again. I'm old, and I want to apologize for that, but I can't do that in good faith. I am back to get a degree, and then move on. I'm still doing horticulture, not because it's my greatest passion, or because I can honeslty see myself making it my life for the next 50 years, but because it wil take me where I want to go. Growing plants can get me in to some of the most closed countries. Simply having irrigation plans ready can get me into most of Africa. Because people need food. And I want to get them that. And then share the truth with them.

Truth? What truth?

That God loves them. That there's a force moving through the universe who cares for them enough to not only send a goofy, near-sighted American with a crooked nose to help them dig wells and plant crops, but to send that man with the truth of Jesus Christ (I won't get "preachy" with you, though it be my passion). So right now, I can offer the world food and Jesus. However, in some countries, it's hard to do one without the other. I can't get in without the plant knowledge and (this is going to sound bad) I really wouldn't want  to without knowing who Jesus is. So I'm bound to Horticulture. And I'm back. And doing what I can to get the heck outta here. In other words, pray for me and/or send me money. Onward.
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     It shouldn't still be 90 degrees outside. This is stupid. I long for the days of coolness. Jeans and a hoodie. Leaves crunching. Tea in the morning and a glass of whiskey and a book by night. Those days are coming slowly.
--
     I love Seinfeld. If you didn't know that then you're either a new friend, or a bad one. I absolutely think it's the greatest sitcom of all time (save for maybe All in the Family). The show is so poignant to real life. And yet it's about nothing. The show has no real base, and accomplishes nothing except to make the viewer laugh. But it is SO dang applicable to life. Here's an example I caught this week while doing some homeworks.

 

 

     I know the quality there wasn't the best, and I apologize for that (to be honest, it took me a long time to get that video on here, just for you). But do you see parallels to today? Anything recent that might have happened that reminds you of this instance? Perhaps a company head who may have voiced a personal opinion about an issue that millions of people blew out of porportion?

 

 

     Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I hate this debate, and even more so the fact that a man voicing an opinion even makes this a debate issue. But, how crazy is it that a show written almost 20 years ago is relevant in this way? Completely applicable. I emplore you to watch more Seinfeld. It will change the way you look at the world. Gittyup.
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     Put Those Ears to Work: Frank Ocean. What do you think of when I say this name? Most of you probably think nothing. A few of you brave sojourners into the world of dark rap may know him from being a part of the rap group Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (often shortened to OFWGKTA or just Odd Future). Fewer still would know his solo stuff. And that's what I'm touching on today. His first solo album Channel Orange came out a few weeks ago, and I was just now only able to listen to it. The first things that come to mind after the album ends are:

"What the heck did I just listen to?"

"This is the best album since My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy."

and simply enough...

"Sublime".

 

     Frank is a young guy. And because of that, I was hesitant to find his words about love believable. I mean, he's barely older than I am, and from listening to the album, you'd think he was some kind of modern day Isaac Hayes. Like he's been in love. He's been on drugs. He's been through the sad existence of decadence and likewise what it feels like to be trapped in poverty. You get the feeling like he's been through the ringer. Like he's been hurt a lot and experienced more confusion and heartache than most people his age. And then the song Forrest Gump hits. And it's all confirmed. I'm not going to give it away. Listen.

   

     When it comes down to it, I love Frank Ocean. He's one of the most real musicians from my generation. He's neo-soul, meaning you older folks don't need to be afraid simply because he's a rapper. He has things to say. And feelings to emote. And I hope he doesn't stop sharing any time soon.

--

     For a little while now, I've been involved in Instagram. If you want to follow me, you're welcome to. Art is never something I understood. And that hasn't changed. But I take pictures and I like them sometimes.

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     As I now go about the rest of my day, and you yours, I hope you find blessing. That you would know who you are and what you're doing. Thanks for being in my life. 

Where Have I Been?

To my faithful readers:

I'm sorry.

It's been a really long time since I've said anything in blog form. And while I try to have as few delusions about my own popularity as possible, it's just my guess that at least one of you missed my blog a bit.
     But the good news is, I'm back.
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     The last few months have really been full. Weddings, moving, trips to Idaho, a haircut or two, lots of caffeine and occasional pipe smoking.

Wedding season is finally over, and after seeing five of my friends get married, I'm basically a wellspring of wedding knowledge, complete with all stages that go with that. Joy. Jealousy. Happiness. Melancholy. Sobriety. Drunkenness. Maturity. Immaturity. And I think most importantly, realizing just how blessed I am. Because a year ago, I wouldn't be in a place where I could enjoy even one of my friends being happy. God has taken me a long way.
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   So I've moved up a bit, I guess you could say. I am the proud(ish) owner of a smartphone. It's my first ever. And while I'm doing my best not to get attached, it can be tough. It's simply extraordinary convenient. This blog is being written from it. My music is played from it. My banking, my school work, and my social media is all controlled from this device. It's all quite decadent. My hope is that if I get addicted, you'll step up and help me. 
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     Something that's changed since the last time I've blogged is my friends. I've been enriched with many new people in my life. For the first time in my life I've never been surrounded by so many people whom I really think understand me. To naturally get to an intimacy level with people that you see yourself in them and vice versa, is quite possibly one of them greatest things that's happened to me. Finding solidarity in knowing you're not alone and that there are people you've grown close to whom have been through what you've been through is so ridiculously therapeutic. I'm going to go into this more later. I'm including a picture of a coffee half-moon I saw today when hanging with a new friend. I just thought it was perfect. 
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     Well honestly this blog wasn't great. But the cogs are turning. This was a necessary piece of writing to get the thing launched again. Thanks for hanging in there, folks. I love you and look forward to where this thing is going.

     You're beautiful.

There Is A Time.

Hello my readers.

     This blog is not really a happy one. But don't misunderstand, it's not a self-loathing one like I've been accustomed to writing here and again. It comes at the news of the passing of some beautiful people. Just so you know, everyone, this blog is about death.
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    First and foremost, to everyone who didn't know, Andy Griffith died. This news may be coming a few hours late to some of you, but it's sad nonetheless. The man was an American legend, and a world icon. He showed us what a father should look like, with all the passion, love and desire that thay entails. He mixed fatherhood and faith, and was seldom looked down for it. He loved Jesus more ferverently than many men of his time, and it poured out into his acting and his singing. Here's my favorite song from the Andy Griffith show era. He may not be singing, but I think it personifies what needs to be said, and his commentary is simply beautiful.

     This song is good reminder. That there is a time to dance and play and be young and fruitful. And there is a time to die. I think I love it so much because these words are the words of God. 

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

     This is one of my favorite passages, from my favorite book of the Bible. God used this video to subtely remind all of us that God has given us a season for all emotions and actions. Living in the freedom of God's grace, all good things are given to us. Andy would want us to remember that, and know that he's singing and playing in Glory.
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     I heard, a bit late that is, that Ann Rutherford died. And while she hadn't done much recently, she was still important to the world  of cinema. She was probably best known to this generation as Scarlet O'Hara's sister in Gone With The Wind. She played her role excellently, but what takes me aback the most, was her beauty. 

     I feel like women just don't look like they used to. Not to say there are no beautiful women today, because that's simply untrue. But women today aren't the same kind of beautiful as women from the "greatest generation". And I miss that. So long, Ann. One less lady in the world.

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     That's enough for this one. Hope you enjoy the Holiday coming up. 

The Other Side of the Tie.

Well hey everyone.

     About a week ago I posted some super depressing crap, that I've since taken down, because it wasn't me. I was in a bad mood and the worst of me surfaced. For those of you who read it, know that I don't really feel that way most of the time. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed. Human as charged. Time with blogs starts.
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     I've come to realize more and more that at my core I don't relate too well to people comedically. I look at all these piece-a-junk comedies coming out, and think things like, "Where did the smart humor go?" and "how many times can really you make jokes about genitalia?".

    Now you may disagree. You may say things like "The new Ted movie looks really good." or "Adam Sandler is still really funny." And that's fine, for you. But just so you guys know what I think is really funny, here's the trailer from what is one of my favorite comedy movies.

     Did you like it? Probably not a lot. And that's how we're different. I love dry comedy. So until this style of movie makes a resurgence, or the comedy scene atleast incorporates more dryness, I probably won't be supporting new comedies. Just that simple. Shift.
---
     This week, I decided to change my "dress look" a bit, and I purchased a bow tie. The main reason for the purchase was that I wanted to look AFAP (as fly as possible) for my good friend's wedding coming up in mid-July. Any one who's my friend on Facebook, or follows me on Twitter has already seen the tie. But oh wait! What's this? It's REVERSIBLE? No way, Jon that's one of the most momentous things recently heard. I NEED to see it. Well, blog readers, because you've been so loyal to me, I got a bit dressed up again, and you get a FIRST LOOK at "the other side of the tie", as it were. (Mostly) Ladies and (a few) Gentlemen, the tie.

     I know the picture isn't good, the lighting in my room is shady and the camera's not all that great. But there it is. I absolutely love this tie. It's been my favorite clothing purchase I may have ever made. Well since my Nobody Beats the Biz t-shirt I got a few years ago, but Biz Markie is pretty hard to beat. Well, enough vanity. Here's more things from my brains.

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     Through It All: Apologies are in order. It's been a long, LONG time since I've talked about Jesus in this blog. Most of the reason why is that it was a long time since I had talked to Jesus. I was bitter, and on my way back to depression and suicidal tendencies. But yet again, I've been redeemed. And that's all I can say really. I was pissed because things weren't going the way I wanted. I didn't feel wanted, really, except by my family. I didn't really want friends. I just wanted to introvert. Anyone who knew me a year ago knew what that was like. Stupid, right? But because he Loves me, he put people in my life to get back on track. He's forced me to be relational again, and the cogs turn. I'm still not doing great, in fact I ran into some self loathing and desperate temptations, and that's when God feels nearest. I'm going through some physical pain and discomfort. And today was the first time I thought to pray about it. Honestly, if you were in my body, with my mind, without Jesus, you'd think my life sucked. But I have him. He's mine. And remembering that the days of my life will be my greatest challenge. Because the world doesn't want to me to have him. And neither do his enemies. I will press on as I can.

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      Put Those Ears to Work: As I mentioned earlier, I'm involved in weddings this summer. One of my duties for my good friend's wedding is that I get to run the music during the reception. Why I was chosen for this I don't exactly know. But I love it. Wedding music is some the best and worst music out there. And I'm putting the playlist together. I get to incude some of my all-time favorites, but I also get to throw in songs that my friend and I have shared. That we have memories over. Songs that we danced to as kids, or jammed to on car trips. I get to play them as he dances with his new wife, as he takes his first steps on the adventure that's been given to him. I get to share in that. Music may be the greatest force out there, next to Love, water,  Carly Rae Jepsen, and Shaquille O'Neal (who, by the way, has a rap album), and my role is to use that force to help people celebrate my oldest friend's marriage. I get to facilitate fun. And intitiate intimacy. And I'll be loving every minute of it.

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     Thanks for reading today. You're pretty nice.

A Trickle of Authenticity

The beginning of my post.

Well, it's a rainy evening. I'm alone, under a blanket, next to the beagle (who's finally returned to us after living with my roommate's parents for a few weeks), and I'm about to make myself some coffee for the evening. I'll probably read a book tonight. Not sure which one. Feels right, ya know. This will be a bit of a bi-polar blog, I'm guessing. There are some ups and downs running through my head. Full disclosure. Blog time.
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I've been discovering more and more that I'm a really bad sport. I kind of always knew. When it came to video games, I would get mad when I lost, as most people at some time or another do. But I've come to realization that beside the fact that I had a strange, weak, build growing up, that one of the reasons I never played sports (and really don't still to this day), is that I'm a bad sport. I'm a bad athlete with a bad attitude. Which means that regardless of whether I play or not, I'm mad about it in some way. The most recent thing I've noticed is that it's transcending into sports that I watch. When OKC lost last night, I was pissed. Not just upset or wishing they had won, but straight pissed, and a little hopeless. And it's game two. With the a 1-1 record. Of the best of 7. Two questions. How sick is that? And who have I become? I'm beginning to realize that since I never really gave two craps about physical competetiveness as a child, that it's all flooding in at once. Something needs to change. I just don't know what. If you can help, I'd appreciate it. Go Thunder. Suck it, Heat.
---
I recently switched from the newest Firefox to the newest Internet Explorer. I have to say, IE9 is pretty great. It's fast, pretty, and has lost of cool shortcuts and features. I will say I miss all the Firefox Add-Ons, but maybe IE will get some more now. Figured that was worth noting. Onward.
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As some of you might know, I've been down lately. I had a blog all about it. And as things come on the mend, I've been taking advice from a good friend.
     "Be authentic, Jon. Be relational."
That's what he tells me. And to be honest, it's my biggest struggle. When I get really really authentic, I get vulnerable. And things don't seem to work well when that happens. But I'm getting there. I honestly want my authenticity to flood my life. Friends have been abounding the last few days. People have approached me relationally, and held out a hand. People I'd never expect. And that helps. Being authentic takes a while. And I think we all just need to be reminded that a flood of any kind starts with a trickle. And that's where I am.
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Put Those Ears to Work - Pop Music Depression: Okay, so you might've noticed that this music section actually has a theme this time. This has been something that's been on my mind for a bit. Pop music today is too happy. It's mostly partying. Yeah, yeah I know you can say "Oh, what about Adele!? Her stuff is sad." Well, that's one person. Most of pop is about partying. I do like to party, BUT, I miss Pop from every other decade before this, that included significantly more morose. I want to challenge you people to listen to heartfelt, heartbroken pop and then come back to party stuff, and just tell me which one feels more real. I'm going to list some here that I'd recommend, and then rant about one new song in particular that really rustles my jimmies. Here's dat list.

Lightning Crashes - Live

I'm So Tired of Being Alone - Al Green

Only the Strong Survive - Jerry Butler

Still in Love With You - Thin Lizzy

Yesterday - The Beatles

By the Time I Get to Phoenix - Isaac Hayes

Okay, well after listening to that last one on YouTube, I'm completely torn apart. And in that, I'm not going to rip in to One Direction like I was planing. That will come later. But in trying to not be too serious, I'm gonna include a section of one of my favorite romantic movies, which I may watch tonight if nothing else happens.

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Well, there's more I want to say. And I will in my next blog. I forgot how powerful music can be, and I'm gonna take some time to listen. Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, friends. Until then.

The end of it.



The Hipster Issue Pt. II: The Hipster in You.

Oh hey erbuddy.

That was dumb. Sorry. I'm in a strange place right now, physically. A place I'd never really thought I'd spend much time again, much less blog from. Gentleman and Ladies, my old room in my parents house.

Not a whole lot has changed since I moved out, including the huge mess that I left 3 years ago. But I will say, I find a lot of the stuff in here really odd, because I never really grew up when I was living at home, and a fact I once hated, I now embrace. A huge pile of old, dusty comics sit on a top shelf, behind a geode I got in the Black Hills probably 5 years ago, my closet shelves full of old Gundam Wing figurines, Transformers, and Star Wars memorabilia, in the corner by my door, a huge pile of ancient vinyl records, that I'll probably never listen to, and to cap it all off, an old, noisy electric reed organ sits at my desk, to which I can barely get to because of the books and Super Nintendo games that line the floor in front of it.

 If these were my choices of living today, not only would I be a lot cooler, I may just be called a Hipster.

Throw on your onion head, grab a PBR, and get settled in for Part II!
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I decided that since you've obviously read part I (I have no delusions about that) and have an understanding for what a Hipster "is", I want you to see what traits of mine are typically or are beginning to be seen as Hipster by the general population. Just to clarify, this will look just like my typical blog format, just with Hipsterisms in mind. I'm thoroughly enjoying this blog so far, just so everyone knows.
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Put Those Ears To Work: This is an issue very near and dear to my heart. When music all of a sudden shifts to (or I realize that it's) being seen as Hipster music, I tend to shy away from it, which makes me some sort of weird anti-hipster, or double-hipster, if you will. But this particular group, I'm being obstinate about. People, meet Neutral Milk Hotel, and my relationship with them.

In 2006, while really trying to get a grip on my musical taste, I saw The Arcade Fire perform on Saturday Night Live. They were entrancing. I found their sound undoubtedly refreshing, and their subject matter poignant and enlivening. So much to say, I fell in love them. In my thirst to find more music like this, all the places I looked told me to check out NMH. So I downloaded the album In the Aeroplane, Over the Sea. I found it sublime. The melodies in this album are eerily enchanting, and you find yourself humming them as you go about your day. The subject matter is without a doubt some of the strangest, yet at the same time innocent and heartfelt lyrics I've yet to encounter. The album is dedicated to the memory of Anne Frank, a fact which becomes apparent in the songs Holland, 1945 and Communist Daughter. Just within these two tracks you see the use of overdriven drum tracks (which the Hipster embraced in the mid 2000s, this album coming out in 1998) and painted pictures of semen stained mountains, which kind of meld together to bring out a beautiful mess of music, the kind of music that makes me want to live life and love every minute of it. Now since the turn of the decade, this music has become the bread and butter of many a hipster. But I'm not going to relinquish my love for it. I liked it BEFORE the Hipsters did. I won't let anyone forget that, gosh darn it.
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Everything in Moderation: Now you may be thinking, "Oh great, alcohol? Hipsters? Jon's going to tell us about all the crappy beer that he loves." Well, even though there are some really "nast" beers that I can appreciate, this section isn't about beer, or any alcohol for that matter. People, welcome to pipe smoking.

You may not have known yet that the Hipsters are turning to pipe smoking. In fact, I don't think THEY know yet. But guess what, they are. I decided to try pipe smoking in February of this year. After I began Hookah smoking, my friend Matt and I decided it would be fun to try, so we bought some cheap corn cobs and some flavored tobacco. The first try really didn't go so well, and I ended up sucking down an ember and burned my tongue really bad. So a week later, I picked the pipe back up, and with a corrected technique, I found that I got a good amount of smoke, and didn't burn my tongue. The taste was great, the tobacco was cheap, I felt a little buzz, and to top it all off, it's one of the safest forms of "portable" tobacco out there. Well that was four months ago, and since then, I've upgraded to a nice briar wood pipe, and have tried a multitude of tobaccos that I love. For anyone thinking about getting off tobacco or just getting away from cigarettes and cigars, a pipe is a good option. Here's on of my favorite pictures (yes, I have several) of my pipe.

Since buying one, however, I've noticed a surge in people buying pipes. Pipes are now becoming more accepted among youth, and even given as presents to groomsmen in weddings. It is becoming "hip" and "classy", to smoke pipe. In my double-hipsterness, I've decided that I have to stay above the rest of the Hipster pipe smokers out there, and increase my knowledge above the shallow. I've now tried many blends of tobacco, and am looking to purchase my second pipe, along with a pipe case and possibly a pipe rack for home display. I love pipe smoking, and I really don't want people to downplay that passion and see it as the "cool thing to do". I'm sure there were cigarette smokers out there 250 years ago who felt that the widespread of cigarettes effectively "ruined" their hobby. I'd hate for that to happen.
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Well everyone, it's time for me to put some pants on. I hope I can find a clean pair. Until next time, audios, orevuar, and auf weidersehen. (Sorry, I love Lawrence Welk. Call me an old man if you wish)

The Hipster Issue Pt. I: A Brief History

Hey all. I'm back.

I decided to bring something interesting this time, and address an issue that is brought up daily in my life, either inadvertently or intentionally. That issue, if you can read (which if you can't, just let me tell you that I've always loved you, but was too shy to say so. You're just so beautiful), is the concept of Hipsterism.This is going to be a two part blog, the first being a history, with part two being a personal reaction to the Hipster lifestyle.  This is going to be a winded one, but I'll include stuff to hopefully keep you interested. Let's dive in.
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What is a Hipster? Well, it depends who you ask. Many people in today's society see anyone who wears thick-rimmed glasses, listens to Indie and Underground music, and has "thrift store" fashion sensibilities as a Hipster. Some would disregard the outside and see people who are so counter cultural that they hate anything deemed "Mainstream". Others see pure pretentiousness, wound up in hypocrisy. Since there are so many definitions, here comes some "Hipstory".

The term "Hipster", as many people probably don't know, was spawned in the 1930s and '40s, usually referencing middle class white youth who simply immersed themselves in the Jazz scene, which was dominated by black people. While the definition changed and all but disappeared until the '90s. I recall an episode of Seinfeld as the first term my little ears heard the word Hipster. Enjoy.

In the late '90s into the 2000s, the definition again changed to the more common definition; A counterculture that likes things that your grandparents liked, started wearing jean shorts again, watched movies no one had ever heard of, and drank Pabst Blue Ribbon like it was the best beer around. However, this definition is only skin deep, and like any culture, describes some, but not all of its people. Here's a picture of your typical hipster dude, on the outside at least.

A "true" Hipster, as some say is someone who not only adopts the fashion changes, but also attitude and culture changes. Real Hipsters are very progressive and open minded, and typically support ideals of racial and  social equality.

The origin of their fashion comes from both an appreciation of vintage look, but  also a conscientiousness of re-using and recycling clothes to slow consumerism and materials production. However, Hipsters today are often seen today flocking to Apple stores to get the newest iPhone, and shopping at American Apparel, spending hundreds on the "vintage look". Many Hipsters claim to like things "before they were cool", stating that they were ahead of trends and indeed helped bring said trends into the spotlight. Whether or not this has any real credit, is still up for debate.

 On the outside, Hipsters may look pretentious and exclusive, but if they're true to their ideals, they'll be some of the nicest and most accepting people around. I would go to say that most of the problems with Hipsters revolve around either society not really understanding what these people are about, or people who adapt the Hipster fashion and not the ideology.
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 Hopefully this was enjoyable. If not, I'll throw in an oldish Hipster joke.

Why did the Hipster burn his mouth?

Because he ate his soup before it was cool.

Laughter. End of blog. Thank you. Close window.

When the Fit hits the Shan

Hi readers,

As you can tell (or maybe you didn't notice at all, eh) I took some time away from this blog to gather some thoughts and come back fresh. In the two weeks I was gone, life has seemed like Hell. The stuff that any normal person would love, I've loathed. Being around people, showering, eating hot wings with beer . I'm here to talk about my grief, I hope it may help you.
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But before all that, I went to Wendy's and ordered a chicken sandwich. I forgot to ask for no mayonnaise. So there I was, driving 80 mph down I-35, scraping a big nasty blob of mayo off the bun with a napkin. Worst.
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The entirety of my life, I've really never felt a stability of friendship. I've had people around, but was never close to them. I feel like my social life the last few years could be described as parasitic. When I started dating my last girlfriend, all I did was hang around her friends. Not really fitting in, just hanging around. I was that guy. I thought I had made friends with them, but once we broke up, it was over. I got really upset and suicidal and went through the darkest year of my life, which I'll gladly tell any of you about, if you'd like. I make it through that and start fresh. I start hanging out with friends that my roommate's made, and now I'm right back where I started. Feeling, for the most part, friendless. Thoughts roam free:

"You don't know how to make friends"
"You're too distant for anyone to like you"
"You're a fake."

These things circulate in most social situations. And even right now, as I lay here inappropriately dressed for bed (don't get the wrong idea, it's a button up polo and boxers, not the most comfortable). And there's truth to every single one of them. So I've felt increasingly friendless the last few weeks.
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My room is so messy. I don't even know how I live in here. Instead of packing my things when I leave, I'm considering starting a controlled fire in here to torch all my crap.
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I'm spineless. Especially to myself. I find all to often that when people ask me how I'm feeling, I say "OK", and not two minutes afterwards, feel completely the opposite. I can't tell myself how I'm feeling, much less other people.
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My dating life has basically been nothing but painful the last two years. My last girlfriend and I broke up about a year and a half ago. That sucked. But since then, my dating life has consisted of being hit on at the bar, having girls throw themselves at me, making out with a few randos (I was attempting to anesthetize my pain, didn't work), liking girls who don't like me back, and meeting girls who do like me back, but can't date me. Fruitful. I've told myself a time or two that I'm done. That I'm just going to be a dick to girls and do what I can to drive them out of my life. But I know it won't happen. I HATE how damn sensitive I am. Hate it. I have a soft heart, though I often times don't want to.

I'm in pain. But I'm not going to God with it, because once again, He's doing it to me. I feel like he punched me right in the gut, I got away, and then expects me to come back and tell him I'm sorry. I want some time away. Though inevitably, I'll come "running back to Daddy", I'm prideful and hard-hearted right now.
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 I recently took a step of faith, and came clean about some lies I was telling my friends. It hurt some people, and broke trust with one of them. Honest to God, I wish I had never sent it. I'd rather live in a lie than lose what I did. And that may sound bad, but more than anything I wish it would show that that person means a Hell of a lot to me.
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I don't know what I need. I know all the things I want. And I get to a place where a majority of my wants become needs. That's a bad place to be. I suppose I just need to want less. That sounds dumb.
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I have to start getting ready for work at eleven. I want to nap before then. But that's unhealthy. I guess it's breakfast time.

Thanks.

Tired. Party. Rambling. Beer. Jesus. Sleep.

Haldo everyone and my blog you are to welcome.

Sorry for that. Watched some Homestar Runner recently. Outta my system. Well, I'm ready for bed. But figured I'd share a bit with you guys before all that. If you want to read what I have to say, that is.. If you don't, click the "x" by the tab that my blog's on, or just go  find the nearest lemon and go suck on it.

That was a joke. And a sour one at that (eh?). More blogging below.
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Today started at midnight. As all day's do. There I was, trying to sleep because I had to wake up at five for work. And amidst my lousy sleep and weird dreams, I managed to get a few hours of sleep. At five I clambered out of bed, fixed my hair, gulped down some coffee and I was on my way. After work I went with Jake and my old roommate Seth to this place in Nevada called Snack Time, or something like that. The place had okay food, but honestly looked like the dining room of a retirement home, both in decor and in the demographic of patrons there. I went home, and passed out for two hours, only to find myself more tired than when I went to bed.

Clambering (I like the word, okay?) out of bed for the second time today, I went over to Welch Ave Station, where almost a week before I had left my I.D. after not giving the bartender back the darts I had borrowed. He looked at me and said "I'm guessing you left this here Saturday night, right?" to which I awkwardly kind of nodded my head and said "thank you". No way was I about to explain that I was going without an I.D. for over a week and just now remembered to go it. I'm a yutz.

I spent the evening int he company of good friends, celebrating my friend Alex's 21st birthday. At dinner, I let her try some of my Newcastle. She really didn't like it. And I loved that. We all went to her apartment and played Catch Phrase and ate cookies. Cookie sandwiches and Templeton Rye are a good combo. All encompassingly recommended.
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Thumb on the Page: Here comes my first segment on what I'm reading. Currently I'm between several books, but the most prominent being The Brothers Karamozov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. If anyone has a lot of free time, and enjoys philosophy and ethics painted onto a canvas of murder, sensualism and blunt Christian theology, then this book is for you. I won't be surprised if this book is my favorite for a while. Dostoevsky writes in such a captivating manner that I find myself debating whether or not to go outside and participate in life. It's that good. More about this book as it's being read.
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Through It All: A few days ago, I had a theological rant about Romans 14:22-23. In adding to that, Jake told me today that our pastor used a quote on Sunday while going through Mark 7. He was studying over the verse where Jesus says in verse 15

 "there is nothing outside the man which can defile him if it goes into him;

 but the things which proceed out of the man are what defile the man."

Pastor Troy used this quote along with it: "When we begin to detest what God allows, we begin to allow what God detests". How profound. God has given us to much freedom in truth, and to deny a bit of that for any reason is to attempt to limit the vastness of God himself. 

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Sorry this is a bit of a short one, I'm getting loopy from lack of sleep. Hope to see you all soon. In person. For real. Enjoy tomorrow, for my sake. I'll be working an 8-6.

I'm On My Way

Hey all. Sorry it's been a while since I've posted, the last few days have been out-of-control busy. After a 12 hour day of being in my black and white's on Saturday and not really able to function at all Sunday, this is my first day really being alive. Okay, enough excuses. More blogging.
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Today was a great day. I had a sweet time at work and grabbed lunch with my friends Matt and Kelsey afterwards (For everyone in not in Ames, I'm about to plug a local place, my apologies). We ate at the Downtown Deli, on Main Street right next to Olde Main. It has to be my favorite place in Ames to get a sandwich. Everything's fresh made, and SUPER cheap. You want to go sometime? I'll gladly take you. Then the three of us went out to Ada Hayden and did some exploring. We found a sweet little spot with a swing and a sweet view and we just sat there and enjoyed. You had to be there. So in other words, it was better for me than it is for you to read. Move along.
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Free Willy is being watched on Netflix at my apartment. I'm also eating a freezie-pop. Enter 1995. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
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Put Those Ears To Work: First post about some music I want my friends to know about. I'm not getting into anything too weird or abstract, this time. So get your music devices ready and put on those listening pants. Here comes some ish.
I've been listening to the Proclaimers a ton the last few days. Everybody knows them from the song "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" and probably "I'm On My Way" from the first Shrek movie. However, I'm taking you off the beaten path, to the album "Hit the Highway". The album starts off strong with "Let's Get Married", a heartfelt tune that is as simple as it is profound and romantic. Guys, if you can sing and play guitar, propose with this song someday. It might just work. If it doesn't, look for another lady. The songs on this album are great, but if you're looking for a knockout single, you won't find it here. The album's gem, in my opinion, is their rendition of "I Want to Be a Christian". It's one of my favorite old hymns, and they pull it off just perfectly. The album ends with a song about as anti-romantic as they come, considering the one  it starts with. It's called "Don't Turn Out Like Your Mother". Here's my favorite line from this tune:

It's not the way she looks
It's not the food she cooks
Her kind of indignation
Don't cause me trepidation
But to live with a woman like this
Would take a masochist
Or someone who could get and could stay permanently pissed

Sublime. Please give it a listen. 

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On a bittersweet note, my friend Dan Bivens is getting transferred to another Fareway. He's going to do great, but the store will be strange without him. I suppose it was only a matter of time. He'll be missed but he's on to "new" (Fareway is monotonous, no doubt) experiences. Let life change. But don't let it change you. That's for you to do.

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There's not a lot more I want to say tonight. I've a bit of a headache, and I'm thinking I may see some homies tonight. It's supposed to be a really nice week. Get out there and enjoy it.

Honey mustard > all sandwich dressing. 

How the "four-letter-word" are ya?

So I'm laying in bed after a morning of work, and my mind's running. "What the heck should I tell people today? Should I even write anything?" "My apartment's hot." "I need to clean before my parents get here." "I have no clean pants". Things like that. I'm likely sleep deprived. I've realized that there are two types of people out there:
 1) Those that can complete lists.

Here's how my life is.
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Last night was great. B-Dubs had an hour wait, so I took my friends out to eat at Old Chicago. Had some delicious pizza, followed by some Cold Stone, thanks to my buddy Orion. One of us left to go hang out with some other friends and the other three went and smoked some hookah with some more people. Hookah really is a great way to cap off a night. Not only is it super relaxing, but it's a fantastic bonding agent. Passing the hose, doing smoke tricks, all while watching Community. What I wouldn't give to make that my life. I said goodbye to my friend Collin, whom I may never see again while I still draw breath. But that's okay. I'm excited to see him do incredible things.
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My parents and little brother are coming to stay with me tonight. My little brother is playing at Adventureland with the middle school band tomorrow. Which makes me a bit envious, as I quit band after a month my fifth grade year because I found it to be too much work. I was a turd in school. Nothing extracurricular. I have a lot of regrets about that. I hope to live vicariously through Noah. That he would be super involved and have a lot of good memories about that. Nevertheless,  I haven't seen my family in a while, and am pretty excited. Except I have a lot of cleaning to do, because none of us ever clean around here. It's hard being a boy *sigh*.
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I'm regret to inform everyone out there that Adam Yauch, also known as MCA has died. He was the founding member of the Beastie Boys, and incredibly influential rap group in the mid '80s. White rappers in the '80s were like Black hockey players. It was a big deal to be a white rapper in the '80s. Much more a rap group. And even further more a REALLY GOOD rap group of white people.  They shouldn't need introduction. I really hope you all know who there are. Well, MCA was my favorite. He had a wicked flow and some great lyrics.

"My name is MCA, I got a license to kill.

I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ill."

Simply perfect. Well, at 47, he lost his battle with cancer today. Gone, but never forgotten. By me at least. And I would assume millions of others. This video always makes me chuckle. It's also where the title of the blog comes from. Oprah had ridiculous hair. And Tipper Gore can suck it. I've gotta take a line from Will Smith (back when he was a rapper) and say "Parents just don't understand" .

Well, I'm going to nap. I may have more later. But for now, I'm going to hit "Publish".

Bring the '80s back.